


Stupid in Spades

by Shergar



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: He needs a snickers and a nap, Hellblazer AU - Freeform, I don't know why I thought this was a good idea but it happened, M/M, Magic and not who you think, Snarky Alec
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:40:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27188084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shergar/pseuds/Shergar
Summary: “I do believe in an everyday sort of magic -- the inexplicable connectedness we sometimes experience with places, people, works of art and the like; the eerie appropriateness of moments of synchronicity; the whispered voice, the hidden presence when we think we're alone.” - Charles de LintThe Lightwoods have a long-forgotten secret. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, as the saying goes.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 12
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec just wanted a nap. He was sore, he was tired, he’d been going non-stop for what felt like a week and now that there was an end in sight, he just wanted to sleep for thirty-seven years. You could only exist so long on coffee and stubborn determination alone. One mission. One more mission and he could allow himself to sink into blissful unconsciousness and recharge. 
> 
> It was just one mission. What could possibly go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Alec's recount of 1x3 and 1x4. We needed to establish this before we can get to the fun stuff.

Alec just wanted a nap. He was sore, he was tired, he’d been going non-stop for what felt like a week and now that there was an end in sight, he just wanted to sleep for thirty-seven years. You could only exist so long on coffee and stubborn determination alone. One mission. One more mission and he could allow himself to sink into blissful unconsciousness and recharge. 

It was just one mission. What could possibly go wrong?

As it turned out, a lot could possibly go wrong. Jace (because  _ of course, _ it was Jace) seemingly found and immediately fell head over heels for some mundane (possibly a shadowhunter, but he didn’t want to think about the repercussions of THAT right now) and that mundane came as a two-for-one deal. Then the ‘get one free’ half of the mundane special got himself kidnapped by vampires and, because fate was never willing to cut Alec Lightwood a break, Valentine Morgenstern himself may be back.

Alec sighed, contemplating if he was at the point of activating a stamina rune or if another cup of coffee (or three) would do the job. Rescue the mundane. Get the little girl back her memories. POSSIBLY stop Valentine. Rescue, memories, Valentine. 

“You know what? Alec, why don’t you go check by the angel?” Right.  _ Rescue _ . 

He wasn’t dumb. He knew this was Jace’s way of getting him to back off. Sure, he might be coming off a little strong but they had rules for a reason. They had trained their wholes lives for a reason. But no. Apparently he had missed the memo that it was National Throw Everything You Ever Knew Out the Window And Hope For Sheer Dumb Luck and a Miracle Day. He’d make sure to put it on his calendar for next year.

He heard Izzy’s phone chime and knew she’d be taking off to ‘convince’ Meliorn to reveal an entrance to the Hotel Dumort and yes, he knew they needed that information but he could still be bitter about her leaving. Izzy at least was still using her brain and, well, Jace was too enamored with the little girl to use his one functioning brain cell and if this went much farther, Alec couldn’t be responsible for his actions. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d punched Jace for being a dick and he was sure it wouldn’t be the last.

“Jace...over here.” He watched as his parabatai shared a few more whispered words with the mundane before he sauntered over. “We’re crossing a line into vampire territory.”

“That’s the point. Come on, Alec, cheer up. It’s going to be fun.” Jace slapped him on the shoulder and Alec decided that punching him was way too nice. He’d just knock him out and haul him back to the institute. Or maybe stab him. Maybe both. ‘No, Hodge, I have no  _ idea _ of what happened to Jace. He must have been so busy swooning over the little girl that he fell down some stairs and knocked himself out, somehow managing to land on his dagger and stab himself in the process. I’m sure that’s it. He’ll be fine.’

“Damn it, Jace, just...think this through. You don’t even like this guy. This isn’t about the mundane, this is about Clary. What, are you so desperate to get laid that you’ll risk killing us?” The traitorous voice in the back of his head agreed with Jace, to a degree, that this was something they needed to do but he was sure that was just the exhaustion talking because Alec Lightwood was not that dumb. Alec Lightwood did things by the book because doing things by the book didn’t get people killed.

“Wow, um, there’s so much in that that was wrong, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear it.” Jace started to walk away, without an ounce of any damned respect. Some parabatai he turned out to be as soon as a girl was in the picture. He grabbed him before he could get too far because Alec was the oldest and he would decide when this conversation was over. (Spoiler alert, it wasn’t right now.)

“That’s the problem, you’re not listening. Not to this or anything else I’ve said tonight. You don’t even know this girl. Why do you trust her?” Maybe he’d sign Jace up for some remedial courses when they got back to the institute. He was acting head, he could certainly do that and no one could fight him on it. ‘How not to be a douchebag to your parabatai 101” and “Stop thinking with your dick for beginners” would certainly be the first two.

The little girl, having the world’s worst timing apparently, called them over because she’d found the grave and of course,  _ of course,  _ it didn’t even begin to have what he needed. By some angelic miracle, he resisted every urge to say something rude to Jace when he asked the world’s stupidest question. ‘Yes, Jace. Of course, what I need is there. This is the new invisibility model, haven’t you heard? Top of the line, only the best for Alec Lightwood.’

So he’d run back to the institute and miss what he was sure would turn into a lesson on how to disrespect everyone buried in the cemetery, the angels, and probably a demon or two if the goo-goo eyes those two idiots were shooting each other were anything to go by. Sneak in, grab a bow, grab some arrows, sneak back out, try (and probably fail, but hey, Plan ‘knock him out and lightly stab him’ was still an option) to keep Jace from doing something stupid. Well, more stupid.

Izzy came through, he’d known she would, but he still could be bitter about it since she hadn’t had to watch whatever that was back in the graveyard. He bet she did it on purpose. She could be a real bitch like that sometimes. He was sure it was  _ hard work _ interrogating Meliorn. She surely worked up a sweat, amongst other things though he absolutely did not want to think about that right now. “Great job, Izzy. You have faerie dust on your dress. And I hate being the distraction.”

“I don’t. You know, you’d be a lot happier if you weren’t so freaking repressed.” Okay, wow, RUDE. Maybe both his siblings needed remedial How to be nice to your big brother classes. Or ichor duty for the next year.

The rest of the rescue went about as expected. There were undead vampires and then re-dead vampires. They got the mundane out (unfortunately,) no one died (thankfully,) and Jace decided he was even more in love (not the time, not the place.) Jace predictably tried to argue with him and Alec stormed off. He had paperwork to do for tonight’s unsanctioned rescue mission, not that any of them gave a damn because that’s all Alec Lightwood was to them - everyone’s bitch.

He was still tired and now there was definitely no way he’d get anything close to a full night of sleep. A couple of hours, if he was lucky, then back to work with the strongest coffee he could possibly find and a stamina rune if he got desperate enough. Rescue, memories, Valentine, he reminded himself. One down, two impossibly annoying things left to go.

The report was finished in record time, though he’d have to have Hodge read it because he was certain at some point words stopped making sense. He caught exactly two hours of sleep in his bed (and another half hour at his desk but he would die before he admitted that to anyone.) He didn’t want to overuse his runes so the Stamina rune would definitely be a last-ditch option. He settled for drinking an entire pot of coffee straight from the carafe instead. Why waste time with mugs and pouring when he was going to drink the whole damn thing anyway? A+ time management skills, right there.

Apparently, there had been some development in the case of the little girl’s missing memories. It seemed none other than Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, was the one at fault. Hodge was waiting for them in the Ops room and Alec took his usual seat at the table, placing the half-full (half-empty? It seemed like a half-empty sort of day) coffee pot on the table in front of him. Jace gave him a look and he narrowed his eyes. “Touch it and I’ll kill you, parabatai or not.” It seemed Jace chose today to know what’s good for him and raised his hands in surrender. 

But alas, the fates still had it out for Alec because the best place to make this exchange, ruby for memories, with Magnus was at a downworld rave. He  _ hated _ parties. Why couldn’t anything go the way he wanted it to? Why couldn’t they meet at a coffee shop or an antique bookstore? Parties were so...there were too many people and too much noise and it was absolutely everything Alec hated from the bottom of his heart.

And now there were circle members in the club because nothing is ever just kittens and rainbows when it happened around Alec. So of course Magnus portals away (warlocks and their damn get out of jail free cards) and he takes the ruby with him. Fan-fucking-tastic. Even more paperwork for him. They track Magnus, because if they’re going to do something stupid tonight, they might as well just do stupid in spades, to his lair which it seems the circle has already found.  _ Great, just freaking great. _

His head starts pounding and he wonders off-hand if it’s lack of caffeine or sleep or if Jace is just pissing him off more than normal. He can work through the pain but it’s just one more item on the list of everything that’s gone wrong for him over the past two days. Maybe he walked under a ladder or broke a mirror or gotten himself cursed and hadn’t realized it. What other explanation could there be?

They clear the warehouse and Clary saves a kid before they make it past Magnus’ glamor. What they find is a slaughter - dead warlocks, dead circle members, apparently they were going for the world record in paperwork tonight. They split up (another stupid idea but he’s just given up at this point) and Alec finds Magnus facing off against a circle member. Said circle member is giving his best impression of a villain’s monologue and while Alec is pretty sure the warlock can handle it himself, they really  _ don’t have time for this  _ so he gifts the asshole with a well-placed arrow to the knee. “Well done,” He compliments after Magnus finished the idiot off with a burst of magic. 

“More like medium-rare.” The warlock responded as he turned around. Alec became quite aware of two things at once (though which came first, he couldn’t be sure.) His headache was gone. The rhythmic pounding that had only gotten worse as the night went on had completely stopped. No one was playing bongos in his brain or trying to drive an ice pick through his skull. It was like none of that had ever even happened.

The second thing that he realized was harder to explain and Alec  _ reveled _ in easy explanations. It sounded stupid (it probably was, he’d blame it on the lack of sleep like all the other ridiculous crap currently going wrong in his life) but everything...clicked into place. Something that had been missing...wasn’t anymore, even if he couldn’t tell for certain exactly what that was. He knew though, without a doubt, that he was supposed to be here and meeting Magnus was Important (with the capital letter included, of course.)

“I’m Magnus, I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced.” The warlock strides over without a care in the world, the circle member they’d taken out moments before who was currently lying dead on the floor had already been completely forgotten. 

“Alec,” He replied, smiling probably for the first time in DAYS as it felt like the weight of the fucking world was lifted off his shoulders. “We should, uh, really...probably get..” Super smooth, Alec, he chided himself. Super smooth. 

“Right, we should join the party,” Magnus finished for him. He managed to mutter an acknowledgment and swiftly left the room. Why was he happy? When was the last time Alexander Gideon Lightwood had been this happy? He needed to sleep. He needed to figure out what the fuck had happened in that room because he most certainly did not believe in coincidences. 

Rescue, memories, Valentine. Right. They’d done the rescue, time to get the little girl back her memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is taken from a quote from the painfully short-lived Constantine TV show.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing was ever easy when it happened around Alec. That was a well-known fact. He was pretty sure if you looked up convoluted in the dictionary, you’d find a picture of him, frowning, because yet another part of his life got way more complicated than it needed to be. In fact, if anything ever went easy for him, he’d start to think something was very, very wrong. Could you be cursed to have good luck? He didn’t want to find out.

Nothing was ever easy when it happened around Alec. That was a well-known fact. He was pretty sure if you looked up convoluted in the dictionary, you’d find a picture of him, frowning, because yet another part of his life got way more complicated than it needed to be. In fact, if anything ever went easy for him, he’d start to think something was very, very wrong. Could you be cursed to have good luck? He didn’t want to find out.

Magnus had fed the little girl’s memories to a memory demon because he couldn’t have just put them in a nice jar on the shelf or something like that. So now they had to summon a  _ greater demon _ in the middle of New York and oh yeah, the Clave was  _ totally _ going to love that. 100%. He was already dreading the paperwork and the shit storm that was going to come with it. Maybe he could move to Aruba. Surely there was no love-struck parabatai and an annoying little girl in Aruba. 

It was disgustingly easy to summon the demon and get Clary back her memories. Alec was sure something truly horrible would be happening any minute now. That was obviously the only explanation because things just didn’t go right for him. They hadn’t in his entire life...why the hell would they start going right now?

With the little girl’s memories restored came the knowledge that the Mortal Cup (yes, that one) was hidden in some tarot cards that had belonged to her mother. While the two lovebirds went off to retrieve the deck (or fuck each other in an alley, honestly it was 50/50 at this point, he figured,) Alec was planning to head back to the institute and figure out a way he could sell the Clave on the necessity of them summoning said greater demon without following any of the proper escalation procedures. He wasn’t usually one to ask forgiveness rather than permission but he had suffered a momentary lapse of judgment and you couldn’t turn back time.

He glanced at Magnus for a moment. Well, maybe you could...but honestly, that just sounded like more paperwork that he really didn’t want to do.  _ Yes, Inquisitor. We did summon a greater demon AND we messed up the timestream, thanks for noticing. All in a day’s work. You only get the best disasters at the New York Institute.  _ He could practically hear the conversation now and yes, that was definitely something he wanted to steer clear of. 

“Thank you for all your help,” he said instead, watching as the warlock turned from his place by the window. “Hopefully, we can get out of your hair now. I’m sure you don’t want a bunch of Shadowhunters hanging about. I know you gave Izzy back the necklace… but I’m sure we can come to an arrangement on payment.”

“I’m sure we can, Alexander. How about...have a drink with me and we will consider the whole thing paid in full.” Magnus snapped his fingers, producing two filled martini glasses from who knows where (Alec wasn’t sure he wanted to ask either,) and offered one to the Shadowhunter with a smile.

Alec hesitated, just for a moment. He knew he should go back to the Institute. He also knew that he should start his paperwork before Jace and Clary inevitably pile more on him...because that was sort of Jace’s MO. He also knew that he shouldn’t accept the warlock’s offer of a drink in payment for services rendered….but  _ FUCK _ . Didn’t he deserve something nice after the nearly literal hell that his parabatai’s puppy love had put him through over the last few days?

Besides, that annoying voice in the back of his head was telling him to take his opportunity, Clave be damned. “In that case, I accept. I have a little bit of time before my presence is needed at the Institute.” Mostly the truth - nothing was immediately on fire but it would be if he didn’t eventually return. Someone had to babysit.

One hour turned into two which then rather quickly turned into three before Alec sighed. “Unfortunately, I’ve got to be getting back. With the way the last few days have gone, I don’t trust my siblings not to burn the Institute down while I’m not there. Tonight was...nice.”

“That it was, my dear Alexander, and I hope that we can do this again sometime...maybe when there’s not such an urgent situation at hand and no demons are involved, whatsoever. Well, maybe a very charming half-demon.” He winked as he twisted his hand and opened a portal to the front steps of the Institute. “Your chariot awaits, my prince.”

Alec managed to stutter “I’d like that,” before he stepped through the portal and watched it close instantly behind him. 

So that was a thing apparently. Whatever it was...he still wasn’t sure.

He pushed open the doors and strolled across the Ops floor, noticing that everyone was doing their very best to ignore his presence. _Except_ for Izzy because she could never leave well enough alone. Not even if her life depended on it.

“Well, well… you stay at Magnus’ that long? Slinking home just before sunrise? I didn’t think we’d have to have this talk, big bro. I thought you were the responsible one.”

“Can it, Izzy. It was just drinks. We’re just lucky he didn’t charge us for that little stunt...I’m going to have a hard enough time explaining to the Clave why we found it necessary to summon a greater demon to get Valentine’s daughter back her memories without also explaining why we needed a few thousand dollars to do it. Do you  _ know _ how many rules we broke tonight?”

“Calm down, Alec. Everything worked out fine in the end. We’ve got the Mortal Cup back, I’m sure the Clave will cut you some slack for that alone.”

“That is not a word in their dictionary. Neither is patience. Or forgiveness. We are going to be so screwed,” he sighed, glancing around to find his wayward parabatai was nowhere to be seen. “Where’s Jace? No. Wait, do I even want to know?”

“He took Clary to the greenhouse - he said he’d find you in the morning since we didn’t know when you’d be back.”

“Great.  _ Fantastic.  _ Am I the only one not getting laid tonight?”

“Well, you know, you could have done something about that. You had the High Warlock of Brooklyn alone for 3 whole hours, Alec. Live a little...life’s not all missions and paperwork.”

He’d show her missions and paperwork. “Speaking of which, you and Jace have ichor duty for the next month, congratulations. I’m going to go start filing all the paperwork that will let us keep our jobs, excuse me.”

He may have slammed his office door a little louder than was necessary for an adult in charge of an Institute full of people but he’d blame that on the exhaustion. The pot of coffee he’d consumed earlier had worn off a while ago and if he was honest with himself, being around Magnus was really the only reason he was even remotely standing up right now. The warlock was...electrifying, dangerously so but Alec felt drawn to him in a way he couldn’t explain. 

He glanced out the window behind his desk and noticed that the sun was starting to peek over the horizon. He’d fill out at least one of the forms he’d need to send to the Clave and then catch a couple of hours of sleep before he had to be up and in a meeting. How was this his life? Why couldn’t things ever go smoothly for him?

Except...Jace and the little girl aside, tonight  _ had _ gone relatively easy in some strange turn of events. They’d summoned the demon, taken back Clary’s memories, and sent the demon away just as quickly. The demon hadn’t escaped, no one got pulled into a hell dimension, no one had even  _ died _ this time and they’d all walked away injury-free. When was the last time Alec could honestly say any of that had happened - especially on a mission where Jace was involved?

The rhythmic pounding in the back of his head started up again and he stared at the words in front of him. He rubbed his eyes and counted to three before glancing back down at the forms he was trying to fill out and realized that they all very well could have been in Greek. Despite his best efforts, he was starting to realize that there would be no way that he’d get even one of these done tonight - not if he didn’t want to entirely rewrite them in the morning. 

He bet if Magnus were here, he could help him magic them finished. 

Where the  _ hell _ did that thought come from?

That’s it. He obviously needed a lot more sleep than he thought. He’d go to sleep now, set his alarm for earlier than he typically woke up, and cross his fingers that he could catch up on the paperwork in the morning. What other choice did he have if he was starting to daydream about a warlock that he had just met? It was either exhaustion or a fever and he was pretty damn sure it wasn’t a fever. 

\---------------------------------

Magnus watched Alec disappear through the portal, the gears turning slowly in the back of his head. There was something  _ different  _ about the boy. His magic had reacted in a way he’d never felt before. It was...eager, almost overly so. Alec could have asked for the moon and Magnus’ magic would have found a way to make that happen. Sure, he’d already been enamored with his looks… he had a type and Alec was 1000% all of it. He’d ask him to stay behind not only to get to know him a little bit better but also in the hope that he could finally pinpoint what it was about the younger man making his magic act the way it was.

He only let himself be lost in his thoughts a moment longer before whipping out his cell phone and dialing his oldest friend. “My dear cabbage… the _ strangest _ thing happened to me today. I would absolutely love to get your opinion.”


End file.
